R!$K || elise

The worst lovesickness and facebook is barred! oh wait!

Wednesday, October 6, 2010, 4:53 AM

After quite a few weeks of not touching my retarded netbook, I decided to drag it out of my room to college where I would use the WiFi there, considering the time I'm leaving home and the hour where every pc in the library would be occupied. I had another hour left anyway.

I park my butt in the library in one of the study booths and switch on my netbook and then to discover that I can log into facebook. I tried Safari, Internet Explorer and Google Chrome and all of them failed me. 'Stupid browser, stupid internet'. My first guess was the college WiFi. Maybe they had barred it just as they do with YouTube.

So I grab all my stuff and climbed a flight of stairs to the rooftop where the AUSMAT classes were and sat on the rooftop garden where there's another WiFi under the name of Tsunami. Who own this WiFi? I don't know and as long as I can use it without having to provide a WEP key, I ain't complaining. Then I typed in the Facebook url and it doesn't work.

I glare at the netbook for as long as I could till the anger faded away and boredom overtook. Thus, I turned to blogger, that I have neglected for so long but before I started this post, I tried my luck once more and ooh goody, it works! I hear the angel choir!

Oh right and the worst type of lovesickness? That's another story to be told; when I get my butt ready to do so~

♥, paramourrrr [elise].

To the only boy in my life who made me feel special

Sunday, September 5, 2010, 8:39 AM

How did you do it?

Why did you do it?

Because at the end of the day, you flew me to the moon and then kicked me off and to be honest, I had felt as though the worst part was not you leaving me to fall alone but that I was better off when I hit the ground.

Boys that caught my heart from their charm and looks ended being kicked to the gutter but with you, the boy that at first glance, I had not even given the courtesy to remembering, you became the only exception to my fear of committing to relationships.

I met you that day and I branded you as just another weird guy and I even misplaced your name elsewhere other than in my memory storage space. Ask ME how you did it and I would say that you caught my heart by making me feel special and like the only one girl in the world but the funny thing is, so many people try so hard to make someone else feel special but fail miserably. Even I have my own problems with singling one person out and making them feel that way. Not to forget that you happen to be one of the most ignorant and dismissive boys on Earth.

You did not try hard but you got me. I never expected it but neither did I expect that day that you decided to completely put me aside and live life as though I never existed.

I can honestly say that I have no feelings for you whatsover but it would be pleasant to hear once again from you and perhaps an explanation to the indirect rejection that I received. You truly was the only exception to every barrier that I had built relating to relationships but you did not bother about that, did you?

How can I forgot that night that you waited with me although it was best that you were elsewhere? How else can I forget that morning that all I received from you was a blank stare.

I felt like I was floating and I was really happy with you. I was needy, obviously but I was not desperate. I just wanted you. There was really no one else to me anymore. I single out the reasons of why I fell for you and found none. Then I single out the other reasons and realized, you fit absolutely none of an average list of criteria.

You were not good-looking, smart, interesting, noble nor rich. Perhaps I was one of the few who only valued a noble decent person apart from the rest but seriously, why. did. I. isolate. myself. for. you. ?

I felt like the world was dead when you brushed me off. That morning, when I disappeared, I was in the restroom, spilling out my tears because I had no idea what I did or say wrong. Later on, I found out from a text, obviously not even from you, that I was just in overall not good enough to be yours. I wanted to kill you, punch you, slap you, kick you, skin you and just choke you till you felt my pain because till today, I never got anything from you except a broken heart.

I do not hate you nor feel like making you suffer in any way and I really do not know what I want from you anymore apart from you reading this and knowing that it is you, that I have EVER ONLY let my heart open up to. The only boy and the one boy I had NEVER expected.

I never had a relationship before you nor any after you till today for a reason and it is called PHOBIA OF COMMITMENT but you sure did manage to dribble past that and shoot one right at me. So whatever little contact we have now, it is and will ALWAYS be nice to hear from you and know what the fuck I did wrong.

(Yup. I used the F word. The only time and especially for you~)

P.S, every boy since you have never been able to make me feel the way you do but that was never the reason why I never moved on. It was because they did not know what you knew, that my only weakness was not money, affection or crap. It was being made different from every other person. And for the sake of god, I will find that boy. One day.

♥, paramourrrr [elise].

life plan argh!

Friday, August 27, 2010, 2:22 PM

Biggest mistake of my life: enrolling myself into SUC's AUSMAT programme instead of opting for CIMP.

I have to admit that I was actually interested in CIMP than AUSMAT when I heard the 75:15 ratio of assignments to exams. I would know my own capability and raw work is better than stuffing my head with information that would leak out in less than a day.

So then why did I take on AUSMAT despite its apparently 50:50 ratio of assignments to exams? Because I was acting rash and was so in love with the idea of getting a step closer to studying in Australia but who was I kidding? What did I really love about that place that I had to take on a course which I would so unlikely manage to ace?

I was in love with the idea of getting out. Out and away from the clones that cling onto my heels called peers. Out and away from the money zombies who scratch at my knees called family. Out and away from the inconsiderate heart breaking monsters called friends. I was hungry to be on my own and isolated, presented with a chance to start anew, to find proper peers, family and friends.

Then of course, I turn in to find that every boy and girl I know is set for Australia and then I have nothing to say but 'screw it!'. Now I could say that frankly, I could care less about that place anymore. It is just going to remain a distant memory of a longing.

However, what truly haunts me of my decision is that every weekday morning, sitting at the college foyer, across me to the right could be the happiest group of students in campus. Then avert your gaze back at my side where you see a group of people consisting of those sleeping, staring at their book, staring at the table or attempting to drown themselves with their earphones. With no doubt, that happy group over there happens to be CIMP students.

So what joy do I truly look forward to when I sit back on that yellow seat, my arms arched to support my heavy drooping face? None.

But honestly, you honestly do not expect that to be the ONLY ONE reason why I regret the only regretted thing I have ever done right? Right?

No. Seriously. The reason of why I do regret it is that a whole semester of fooling around does not really aid the second semester of serious studying and work. How do I pull up my TER to at least a 60 when a large majority of my end mark happens to be from EXAMS? If there's anything more that I fear apart from relationship commitments and frogs, its exams. How the crap do I stuff enough up there to get the right grades? I don't know.

How much can the stack of assignments that I am digging holes to finish help me get that desired TER? Main point: I am screwed. So thank you AUSMAT for being the most retarded programme for a person like me.

How does everything take off from here? If I don't even manage that TER of 60, SUC wouldn't even let me graduate! So let's pray that daddy will have enough money for me to go back to do CIMP, okay? Cross your fingers

♥, paramourrrr [elise].

bad butterflies!

Friday, August 20, 2010, 8:28 AM

It's the feeling I have felt so many times before but I pull away from it. I love the feeling but these bad butterflies never ever feel normal to me. My stomach just isn't used to all this fluttering. I can't sleep without thinking, and eat when I do think about the cause of these bad butterflies.

They're not evil nor is its cause but maybe the fear is just eating me up. I heat up like a schoolgirl and hold my breath in when I think about why these butterflies inhabit my tummy and I get so afraid sometimes but I know this time, I must not make an exit.

I am old enough and I face disappointment when I become too scared of the feeling and of course I would get the results I don't want when I literally push it away. I'm ready. I think. No. I am.

♥, paramourrrr [elise].

my message in a bottle

Friday, August 13, 2010, 2:22 PM

I will have to admit that although I find English Advance one of the most interesting classes, this morning's class was one of the few that I felt the least asleep. The outcome of the subject is interesting and fun, however having to analyze print texts after print texts makes you feel like slamming your head onto the table, or at least, that's how I feel.

To further explain, as you can see from the above picture, as it would with most of anyone else, it managed to keep me awake throughout the class. Or perhaps this picture shared some inner meaning that held a lot of definition to myself; past, present and future.

This disturbing photograph is actually depicting a baby getting ready to inject himself with the syringe or general to say, he is a druggie. This shot was used in a advertisement for a organization, Barnado's. Barnado's is an organization seeking to help unwanted, neglected and abused children by aiding and hopefully securing them with a better future.

In this image, it is unclear that it is in fact an advertisement but in the real advert, there is a few words around the page. Above the baby, there are words printed; John Donaldson | Age 23 and on the lower right portion of the advert, smaller fonts of words can be seen; Battered as a child, it was always possible for John to turn to drugs. With Barnado's help, child abuse need not lead to an empty future. We no longer run orphanages but continue to help thousands of children. Please help us by making a donation. Call 0845 844 01 80. www.barnados.org.uk

So perhaps, now the aim of this advert becomes clearer to you. Looking through the whole thing, the class discussed about a few aspects; first impressions, intended purpose(s), intended audience(s), features of presentation, interesting uses of words, the overall effectiveness.

Of course, as usual, opinions in soft tones and murmurs were passed around but inside I was bubbling. I felt as though the picture spoke loud and clear on what it was really aiming for. When the lecturer turned to me and asked of my opinion, I told her that what I believe Barnado's was really trying to achieve apart from financial aid from the public was to bring people back down to Earth where events such as these do happen while the rest of the world live their normal happy lives. That children with troubled experiences do face the possibilities of having a equally if not worser future as their past.

When I was voicing out this part, I could feel my voice cracking softly with tremors and admittedly, if I had not controlled it, tears would have brimmed over my eyes. The whole thing really touched me and in many terms.

1. Organizations were out there trying to make people see the truths that they had blinded away from.

2. People didn't see these things because they unconsciously refused to until something like this advert pops up.

3. To imagine that society needs reminding of the ones less fortunate in terms of nurture and love.

The truth is, I felt something when I left that class. I wanted to break down and let my emotions run free like a river just to feel satisfied. That feeling does not make me better or worse than my classmates who felt far from what I did. There are certain things that they react more strongly than I do and this was perhaps a trigger to my soft spot.

I want to make a difference in the world, for humanity, for the neglected and inflicted, all children, adults and elders and I witness the passion of people who dedicated their lives doing so (Barnado's) and the people who honestly couldn't give a rat's ass before looking at the advert and some who probably still don't (society).

This was an advertisment potraying my life. My past but one that I have outgrown and strong enough to put aside to bring the beginning of my journey which is my present where I am growing for the better, tolerant of the inhumanity and reasonable of the guilty pleasures of society, slowly and towards my future where I would change lives, and as many as my lifetime would allow me to do so and for dear god, I hope that one day my own friends and family would have enough faith and trust in me to believe that I am capable of this that I refuse to be another money sucking vermin such as those that we unfortunately associate with. That I will make a difference and where hope in on my side on me influencing many other to follow on.

♥, paramourrrr [elise].

just a little bit lonely down here

Monday, August 9, 2010, 7:26 AM

I enjoy the joy and happiness that love gives to my friends that I feel as equivalently gay but then now and again, I would look back into the day to wonder if I would have a day of my own where I could flutter out nervous notes on how happy someone has made me by making me theirs.

I rather not be picky but as I've learnt the hard way, never fall into a relationship with someone you do not fancy as much as you should because at the end of the day, you realized you were just desperately seeking attention but ended up with regret, guilt and possibly hurt.

Would it be really unbelievable for a girl such as myself to be happy with somebody? What am I doing wrong? The practical advise to a person in the same distressful position would be, "You're young and you still have time to go through life." Then hear my answer as I would reply, then when will I not be young? 40 itself is a considerably young age so shall I wait till I'm old enough to retire to look for my significant other or even search for the ones who will come before him?

It is a stupid advise so never tell me this, say it to others if it makes you happy but this phrase will never please me because a stranger would say this to me and I expect more from my friends as you would of me.

Would it be a reason for you to roll your eyes at me for my longing for someone to stand by my side while I stand by his because that is what we're there for? That there will be a person on the other side, holding my hand and giving me even the slightest reason to look forward to the new sun?

And if you are a friend closer to me than others, would you ignore my voice of needs with your dismissal when you know that I am far off different compared to your 17 year old girl who believes in happy endings in a relationship with a man twice her senior even or one with a boy with absolutely no substance because it seems that every other girl her age has someone to hold? Am I of that sort, if you had to ask yourself the type of person I was and dare you degrade me to such a level of immaturity.

Maybe in less complicating sentences, I need to say that when I say that I need someone to love, at that moment, might I be having a pull at fun but do you not see reality as I do when I look back to see that, yes, in fact, I am very lonely from neglect of 17 whole years that maybe someone who will hold my hand and make me smile would be the one who would end all this morbid blog posts?

♥, paramourrrr [elise].

neglect

Saturday, August 7, 2010, 12:12 PM

This isn't a tale seeking pity and care. It is a tale of distress and lost of hope.

Throughout my life, I have gone through great amounts of ignorance and neglect. I was barely nurtured properly like a child should have been and consent was not asked when the family broke into pieces.

My friends believed that everyone around them was strong enough for anything while they were the broken-winged bird that believed life sucked when their parents refused let them out for 10 consecutive days and that love sucked when their high school 'sweetheart' of 2 weeks turned them way.

Here I go. Fuck life when you are born into a world that never took you in. The world that cold became your only blanket and your fate was already destined. Screw love when you never received a kind word from your own family and friends. And I don't.

I don't fuck life or screw love just because my family is messed up and dirt poor because everyone digs through each other's skin for money, letting greed and selfishness overpower their humanity and love or because I never experienced being special until a boy pulled me aside from the rest and became the one who stood by my side and received me willingly but one day, swept me aside because he woke up one day to believe that I was not good enough for his love.

Sure I get emotional and tend to be aggressive when I remember how far away my life is from a fairytale while people around me believe that their life is worse than the people in poverty, the children with no homes, the elders with no love, the infected people who only know of their terminal fate.

Sometime, my eyes can amaze myself at such bitterness of the world where my own friends cannot believe that good events can befall on me with their remarks, "Maybe it's an accident.", "It could be a coincidence ." or their attitudes that point out their blunt belief that I would never find happiness with a boy. They think that I cannot see through their shuffles and averted tones that shouts out, "NO! You will never get any guy to love you because I don't think your character and looks are worthy of one." Or the bitterness where my own sister can find such joy and competition in who is the better looking or the one who receives more dates. Perhaps it is blinding to her that her dates are all daft-looking with absolutely no character.

Neglect is a sin. Why should we? I do not want to ignore or hate a person because it makes me a better person. It makes me human. I may dislike a person to a great extend but never to hate. Even one who had ill-treated me for the past years does not deserve my hate.

To think that some ignore the people that they dare label as friends. If you do not like a person, do not pretend. I do not like many characteristics in my own friends but I call them my friends because as much as I threaten to despise them, they are who they are and they do not deserve any abhorrence from me. There's nothing wrong with being lower than your friends. If only my own friends could put aside any dash of grudge when I say the little things that could make me happier if not better than them.

Here is something to any friend reading this post. Especially to the ones I meet often;

I may talk a hell lot about myself and what goes around but have you ever really noticed how much more modest I am when someone else compliments me?

I may argue a lot but do you know why? Do you realize that I believe in my view very strongly and they become my own virtues instead of something that I need to proof to other? My virtues are my religion as your own religion plays as a sensitive issue to yourself.

I may act and dress a hell lot different from your average friend but do you really want your every friend to be average?

Whatever it may be that seem a flaw to you, imagine me without and ask yourself if I were to be Elisabeth because our flaws make us different from each other and no matter how bad, won't I remain your friend as your others do?

♥, paramourrrr [elise].

i might go to hell..

Saturday, July 31, 2010, 12:10 PM

for having these sort of thoughts.

I am always loving every single second of this but lust is a sin. Is giving in to lust a sin too? Why shouldn't be. It is like a cloud of smoke, travelling really fast and giving you no option. Making you choke. For me, they come like the cloud of smoke, only because I am allowing them to come.

Thus, I would go to hell for this crime and the selfishness that would inflict these few people who trust me for my loyalty and love. I hate myself but maybe I just need ONE person to stand next to me and lock me to the chain of loyalty to him huh?

♥, paramourrrr [elise].

easy tears

Saturday, July 10, 2010, 5:20 PM

Last Friday, SUC held a workshops for all AUSMAT 2010 students that revolved around character building for the working life. I had skipped the first one and hesitantly, entered the second workshop but I really would have to admit that I would have regretted if I didn't.

The speaker was somewhat inspiring, no doubt. I would bet that out of 10 people, 9 were inspired and influenced by the woman's speech. She spoke on changing ourselves to certain people. She asked if we knew what we wanted to leave behind when we leave the world and it gave me so much hope to continue my dream and journey of being a social worker.

I felt a more dying need to be the one who inspires and change lives for those who have no option to change their own. She also talked about what we all were trying to succeed at. She asked if it was fame, status and fortune? I was feeling smug because well, an idiot would be the only one who cannot detect the sarcasm in the question.

I was happy at that statement and answer because 6/7 student in that room aspired to be who they thought they wanted to be to be able to succeed. But their definition of success was wealth and a good job.

In one part of the workshop, she showed us a seqeunce of pictures taken from the Olympics in Athens 2010. One of the hurdle racers was seen to have fallen on his feet after a failed attempt of jumping over the obstacle. Then he fell twice and then thrice. After ghe third time, he stood there, staring to his right and wondering if he should just walk out from the stadium but after a while, he made his mind and continued the race. Although he ended up last, he finished the track and the whole stadium rose up and applauded him.

Even retelling the story to my sister a few hours ago, had brought tears to my eyes. Small acts of inspiration and kindness make me feel like perhaps we still do have something to live for and that was for each other. That's why I want to be a social worker.

I want to cry over the fact that I was able to help someone and I want to see the world change and me being part of that change. I don't want to be an accountant because it brings good money nor a psychologist where I treat people who are able to seek their own ways of helping themselves because they have the money. Who will help the people who have no option or voice? I will and so has the many caring and selfless social workers, charity workers and volunteers who have made such impact to those people who deserve life more that we do and it does bring out the waterworks to know that there are so many wonderful people in the world.

I dedicate my life to the people who NEED and DESERVE help and change, people who HELPED those other without FUSS, people who KNOW what they want and LOVE what they NEED and for the people who become accoutnants because they love te idea of helping other finacially and psychologist who want to be the ones by their patients sides.

♥, paramourrrr [elise].

role play and being a bibliophile

Tuesday, June 29, 2010, 2:06 PM

I was initially going to post a blog post about the plans for a band but I realized that I might jinx the whole thing. Apart from that reason, I have just spent my last 30 minutes browsing through some role play forums in a online game site I play and I realized, it's been eons since I have actually role played. 2 minutes ago, I glanced to my left and notice my newly purchased book 'Soulstice' by Simon Holt, a sequel to his first book in the series, 'The Devouring' which I have to say, is an amazing display of writing skills with pure creativity.

The last book that I have read was one that I have owned for quite a while but to be honest, I never bothered finishing it on this second time of reading it. That was probably 4 or 5 days ago. The real truth here is that, I have in fact, neglected everything that matters to me to form someone I do not even know.

I have been spending too much time out with friends (a majority who would not care if I were dead or alive) and spending my money away (on items that become an instant bore to me after a few days). Ask me the things I would bring to a isolated island and not including electronic devices and I will have to say that the only things I really would rationally consider are books.

Because books are forms of art and that will never die away. How can you lose passion in gaining knowledge from books if you have had already started? If you do not read, from my own soul, I have to tell you to pick up a good book and read. It really is the most magical thing.

During my O levels, I used to look forward to my English exams and tests because I was given the chance to write and express myself and there was going to be someone there to listen (and it is rather lame to say that the person would be none other than the teacher). Point here being that I love writing and reading. It never gets old.

Role playing becomes a main priority in my life, I find because I get to practice my writing skills with others and be part of creating a story. If you do not know what role playing is exactly, it can be described as writing in perspective of a certain character or in other words, you are playing in a role of a character but it takes certain skills to actually maintain being a role player. You are not required to be extremely expressive with words but being able to write beyond 5 lines and actually giving good descriptions would prove as a enormous benefit to you and those reading your posts and role playing with you.

♥, paramourrrr [elise].